So, why did I feel like crying as I left the appointment? Ok, I'll admit that five of those reasons may have been the FIVE pounds I've apparently gained in a week -- not to mention the fact that I've apparently started to swell, so my little toes are looking more like sausages, my belly button can only hold tight as an innie for about another millimeter, and I think I may be seeing the start of a stretch mark. All of these are vain, awful reasons to be upset, I know, but I think they are also indicators of how I'm starting to feel in general - like I'm trying so hard to hold it all together -- whether it's a good attitude, or my weight, or patience, or my belly button, or staying flexible on travel for Christmas, or trying to prevent stretch marks, but the truth is, its getting to be more challenging. I'm tired. I'm huge. I want to go home for Christmas. I've spent way more time the past two nights timing contractions than sleeping. But more than anything, I want to meet my little boy.
I just find myself tired and ready to know -- is it safe to travel to Nashville for Christmas, or are we going to be the idiots birthing a baby on the side of the road? Are we going to get to meet our little guy any day, or do I need to settle in for weeks more of waiting? Are these contractions going to speed up, or let up - surely one of the two, right?!
In these days, I can't help but think how Mary must have felt, traveling with her baby so close to due, far from family and anything familiar. God sustained her, and she praised him, even while birthing unattended and outside. It kind of makes my worries look pretty small, huh?
I know soon I'll be holding my sweet son, and this will seem like a distant memory. And, I know we will have a very Merry Christmas - whether it's just the two of us, or if we get to be with our whole family. In the meantime, I'll be over here learning about patience, letting go, the joy in the journey, and the beauty of waiting on God and his perfect plan for us, and for our sweet baby.
And, just as I finish this, what arrives at my door but the most BEAUTIFUL flowers from my very best friends from growing up!!! You all sure can sense when a girl needs a pick-me-up! I will miss seeing you girls tonight, and I treasure each of your friendships. Lots of love.
ReplyDeletei got my stretch marks the DAY BEFORE i delivered aaron. i was so upset. and that weight is from the swelling. my legs and feet were huge for about a week after delivery. so much extra fluids your body doesn't realize you don't need anymore.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You are in our thoughts.
ReplyDeletexo, Brandy & Scott
it takes a lot to grow a baby human, don't beat yourself up about it :) i gained a lot of weight right at the end with jp too, but that made since when he got here at nine and a half pounds...guess he needed a few extra calories at the end. i HATE the last month of pregnancy for all these reasons...and you still don't have that cute baby in your arms that you've been waiting for...but don't worry as soon as he gets here you'll forget all about everything.
ReplyDeletehope y'all have a very merry christmas!
I love you and I am praying for all three of you sweet friend. I remember having this irrational let down after every appointment, as if I thought the doctor was going to tell me I was in full blown labor and I just didn't know it. What you are going through it very hard and very normal, so let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. You're doing great mama!
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